CREEPYPASTA FILES 3 (MOVIE EDITION): THE TALL MAN

Lying dormant somewhere in the world of the dead and undead, is the Tall Man from the Phantasm-franchise. Before being dubbed the Tall Man, he was once known as Jebediah Morningside; a quiet mortician from the 19^th century. Years of doing his undertaker-duties of burying the recently departed began to take a toll on Jeb’s mind, causing him to become somewhat fascinated with the world of the living and that of the dead. Well ol’ Jeb created a machine that allowed him to traverse between time and space. During his first excursion, he experienced something that resulted in a complete change in his being; henceforth, he would now be known as the Tall Man.

The Tall Man appears as…a tall, elderly, white-haired, crowning (balding), grimace-faced man, dressed as a mortician, in a tailored all-black suit, white shirt and black tie. He rarely speaks, as he prefers the use of his animated and story-telling facial features. Want to know where WWE-superstar The Rock pulled his signature eyebrow-raise; check out the scowl from the originator of the raised eyebrow, the Tall Man.

The mysterious Tall Man hordes several unique capabilities; superhuman strength (he can hold an occupied coffin in the air with a single arm), telekinetic powers, as he can control people and inanimate objects, shapeshifting into other people (including women), and a freaky fact (as if those were not enough); if an appendage is severed or amputated from his body, said part will become an insect of something evil that will now do his bidding. He is rarely alone, as he calls upon his posse of the undead; reanimated corpses from gravesites nearby. He takes the cadavers, crushes the body down to the size of a dwarf, removes their brain and voila! A completely new minion to take orders!

His weapon of choice are these metallic spheres that appear at will. The spheres are manned by the brains of the cadavers that had once been removed, and each sphere is outfitted with a number of hidden weapons; lasers, circular saws, blades, spikes and drills. Impervious to a permanent death (possibly because there are many Tall Men from another dimension); the Tall Man does show signs of weakness. He has a strong aversion to colder temperatures and high pitched sounds that can immobilize him. Otherwise; you might as well just give it up…because the Tall Man will send his spheres after your ass and there’s nothing you can do about it.

TOP 13 SCREAM QUEENS

13. Tiffany Shepis: Known for her humble beginnings in Troma Entertainment’s 1996 transgressive comedy-horror flick adaptation of William Shakespeare’s Romeo and Juliet…Tromeo and Juliet, has landed on my list as a Top 13 Scream Queen.

She’s been a victim in the 2002 Ted Bundy movie and has had several slightly less notable roles in films like Death Factory, Scarecrow, The Ghouls, Bloody Murder 2, Dorm of the Dead, Dark Reel, Zombies! Zombies! Zombies!, Godkiller: Walk Among Us, Night of the Demons, and with well-known adult film star, Belladonna in the 2010 B-movie, Stripped. With her list of movies, albeit B-flicks; and a strikingly attractive sex-appeal; Tiffany is a bonafide Scream Queen in my book any day of the week.

12. Ashley Laurence: The attractive brunette with the doughy-eyes and innocent flair made her horror movie debut in one of the more memorable horror movies of the 80s and overall in the horror genre; Clive Barker’s 1987 Hellraiser. She was the protagonist in the first film and gave us guys just another reason to keep watching (although I was only 6-years old at the time), aside from the fantastic gore-factor (for an 80s movie that is).

Ashley went on to reprise her role in the 1988 sequel, Hellbound: Hellraiser II, a small cameo in 1992’s Hellraiser III: Hell on Earth, and to round out her series appearance, 2002’s Hellraiser: Hellseeker. Prior to the last Hellraiser film Ashley acted in; she went on in the 90s to play in H.P. Lovecraft’s short story adaptation, Lurking Fear, playing a young woman seeking revenge for the murder of her sister and town doctor. Not only has this early Scream Queen appeared in several horror flicks; she has also had a part in the 2009 short film for a favorite band of mine, Slipknot’s music video, Snuff.

11. Linnea Quigley: Although grabbing her start in earlier B-movies such as 1975’s Psycho from Texas, and 1981’s Don’t Go Near the Park; Linnea made her most memorable marks in the early to mid 80s with castings in movies like, Silent Night Deadly Night, Return of the Living Dead (where she played the sexy, punk-zombie chick who strutted her glorious nakedness around the foggy graveyard and town.), Hollywood Chainsaw Hookers, Sorority Babes in the Slimeball Bowl-O-Rama, A Nightmare on Elm Street 4: The Dream Master, and Night of the Demons.

Quigley has been known to provide the nudity to give the B-movies a little something extra in the “happy-happy-funtime” category, as far as gratuitous boobage and slight cooter shots go! Check out more of Linnea and her Scream Queen assets in B-movie flicks like Night of the Demons, Girls Gone Dead, Stripperland, 1313: Cougar Cult, A Blood Story, The Voices From Beyond, Dead End, and Caesar and Otto’s Deadly Xmas.   

10. Shawnee Smith: Before she became known for her acting roles in the Saw franchise; Shawnee played a character named Meg Penny in 1988’s The Blob. But let’s hop back on over to what many of you know her as; Amanda Young in Saw, Saw II, Saw III, Saw IV, Saw V, and Saw 3D.

Her character in the franchise was pretty well thought out to begin with…then she just kinda got annoying; like a wiry, bubble-eyed Chihuahua that won’t stop yapping…but, what can I say? I like Shawnee, and I somehow liked her character. For good measure, we can go ahead and throw in the 2009 direct-to-DVD movie, The Grudge 3 in there, as well. Two movie franchises that have truly worn out their welcome…nevertheless, we love our number 10 Scream Queen, Shawnee Smith!

9. Neve Campbell: Ms. Campbell did not rank too incredibly high on this list, partially because she is a bit drab to watch on screen. Each horror movie and regular movie (and TV show) she’s played in; all of her characters are the exact same. Tell me that you didn’t think that was Sidney Prescott in Wild Things, or even her Party of Five character in The Craft…either way, it’s all the same character. Though for some strange reason, I had to place her on this list. It’s just something about Neve that I like.

In 1996’s The Craft, Neve played a practicing witch, in which I first found her to be hauntingly-attractive. Her part was not that grand, but it apparently made a statement to veteran horror director, Wes Craven, as he casted her as the leading role in the 1996, awesomely written teen horror/slasher, Scream and its lackluster three following sequels. As Sidney Prescott in each of the franchise’s flicks; she could definitely put up a damn good fight for any Scream Queen heroine!

It has got to my affinity for dark hair and the sad eyes…maybe that’s why I placed her on here. Ah well, it’ll come to me.

8. Jessica Timberlake: Let’s get this straight; the ONLY reason that Jessica ranks so low on this list; is because of her lack of horror movies that she has acted in. Otherwise…she would absolutely have a much higher ranking solely for her acting in 2003’s Texas Chainsaw Massacre remake…that and she is smoking hot.

Taking on a hulking-Leatherface is reason enough to place her on the list. Although she had to re-take her screaming parts over and over (because for some reason she is just not a screamer); Jessica played the role to a “T”. I promise I am not being biased just because she’s more than a little easy on the eyes. In 2004, Jessica played a vicious vampire hunter in Blade: Trinity. Again; sexy as all that is wicked and a killing machine this time; what more could you ask for? Well; how about more Jessica in another horror movie role?

7. Sheri Moon Zombie: Wife of rocker and horror movie director, Rob Zombie; Sheri has landed the number 7 spot here on the Scream Queen list. From various Rob Zombie music videos, to his directorial screen gems; Sheri has been a nice fixture in the horror scene for quite some time.

Her most notable role was as the sadistically-sexy vixen, Vera-Ellen “Baby” Firefly in Rob Zombie’s 2003 horror romp, The House of 1000 Corpses, and again reprising her role in the 2005 follow up, The Devil’s Rejects. Also by her husband, in 2007 she starred in the remake of the 1978 classic, Halloween as Michael Myers’ mother and again in the 2009 sequel, Halloween II. She has also done voiceover work in the animated horror flick (also directed by Rob Zombie), The Haunted World of El Superbeasto and another role directed by…duhn-duhn-duhhhhhn; Rob Zombie, in the 2012 movie, The Lords of Salem. Sheri can surely scream, and give one of the most maniacal-female laughs today. This earns her a spot in our countdown…and her undeniable sex appeal; a must for Scream Queens.   

6. Rhona Mitra: The original model for Laura Croft, before the beautiful Angelina Jolie starred in the motion pictures; this balanced and bodacious Brit took over the reigns from Kate Beckinsale for one Underworld movie in 2009’s Underworld: Rise of the Lycans, as she played Sonja, daughter to the vampire elder Viktor. Unfortunately; she died in the movie, which I suppose was expected, given the previous storylines; however I still had hopes that it would somehow find a loophole to keep her alive…alas.

Before she took on a vampire’s persona in 2009; Rhona starred in the 2006 horror-action film about werewolves, Skinwalkers. Not one of her greatest roles; but seeing as how she’s such a beautiful-little minx; we’ll let this one slide. In 2008, she also starred in the science-fiction thriller, Doomsday (which was made into a maze at Universal Studios’ Halloween Horror Nights), where she plays a cold military Major leading her team to find a cure for some wild-virus. Rhona makes it to the list because of palpable amazing looks, stunning accent and her kick-ass style of characters in the horror genre.

5. Heather Langenkamp: The year is 1984 and little did Heather know that she would be cast in a movie that would be helmed as one of the greatest horror franchises the world over; A Nightmare on Elm Street.

Now although the character of Nancy was to be the lead heroine and lead role opposite of the dream stalker, Freddy Krueger; Heather’s acting ability seemed to be left back at Stanford University where director Wes Craven found her. It was languid and dry as a cotton mouth after toking on a fatty. Yet, somehow the Nancy-character oozed her way into our hearts and her return in 1987’s A Nightmare on Elm Street III: Dream Warriors, actually brought a sense of nostalgia to a three-year old franchise. Granted when Freddy got his comeuppance and off’d her; many of you (including myself) cheered just a little bit. We see Heather’s face once more in the last real Nightmare film before a 16-year hiatus in the franchise, 1994’s Wes Craven’s New Nightmare where she plays her lackluster self, Heather Langenkamp in essence trapped inside of a real nightmare world.

Away from the nightmare, Heather also made appearances in Wes Craven’s 1989 horror movie, Shocker, and a 2010 documentary on Freddy Krueger labeled, Never Sleep Again: The Elm Street Legacy. Oddly enough, the 80s Scream Queen directed a biographical documentary entitled, I Am Nancy the same year. Way to cash in on the one hit-character Nance, but I ain’t mad at’cha; got nothin’ but love for ya.   

4. Kate Beckinsale: Kate has mostly played in vampiric type movies to start her Scream Queen essence. In 2003, she began the role of Selene in Underworld. A no nonsense vampire whom was in the line of stopping all Lycans. She played a total badass and not to mention an elite form of hotness in black, patent leather and fangs. In 2004 she followed this with a vampire hunter’s role in Van Helsing…to which she ends up dying at the end…(sigh) sad. In 2006 she reprised her vampire role in the sequel, Underworld: Evolution, then again in 2012 with Underworld: Awakening. A fem-pire (patent pending on that phrase) has never looked as stunning in fangs, as the lovely Kate Beckinsale. Get ready to check her out in the 2014 upcoming psychological thriller, Eliza Graves, where she is sure to be no less than spectacular in the titular character role.   

3. Milla Jovovich: Ukrainian born, leggy, blue-eyed beauty, Milla has had her fair share of horror movie run-ins. In 2002, she starred in the role of Alice in the popular video game-to-movie Resident Evil. Proven to be a very successful movie, although waned by critics and viewers alike (including me); it has spawned four sequels, to which Milla  has reprised her ass-kicking role in each of the following; Resident Evil: Apocalypse (2004), Resident Evil: Extinction (2007), Resident Evil: Afterlife (2010), and Resident Evil: Retribution (2012).

In 2009, she also starred in an alien encounters’ movie, The Fourth Kind , which truthfully could’ve stayed abducted somewhere. I love Milla, but that movie was horrendous. Luckily we’ve got a sixth installment of Resident Evil to look forward to in either 2014 or 2015. Sadly, it will be the last for Milla, as she has stated in interviews. Cheers to one of the most ass-kickingest Scream Queens ever!

2. Jamie Lee Curtis: Sometime labeled the “Original Scream Queen”; Jamie Lee’s mother, Janet Leigh could possibly be drafted as the “Original Scream Queen” from the 1960’s slasher film, Psycho. Jamie Lee was brought in to the horror scene during 1978’s classic horror slasher, Halloween. I truly believed her frightened emotions in some scenes of my favorite horror movie of all time; yet there were still those parts where you could see her hiding a snicker or two in frame.

Jamie Lee reprised her role of Laurie Strode in the 1981 sequel, Halloween II and returned to the franchise 17-years later in the 1998 installment, Halloween H20: 20 Years Later. She then came back for one last scream in 2002’s eighth chapter, Halloween: Resurrection, where Michael Myers ends up killing her. It was actually a bit sad the way that she went out…like a bitch. They could have at least sent her off like a champ, and at the end of the movie! Little known fact, giving credit where credit is due; J.L. had a voice role in 1982’s Halloween III: Season of the Witch.

Closing the chapter of the Halloween franchise; J.L. has also starred in horror romps such as 1980’s The Fog, and Prom Night, as well as Terror Train all within the same year. Now, I am assuming that she was given the moniker of “Original Scream Queen” due to the fact that she had produced a few movies within a short amount of time, and then acted in several movies laid out in a franchise; so we are just going to go with that knowledge of why she is such a Princess in the world of horror…but who steals the number one spot if it’s not Jamie Lee?

1. Danielle Harris: The number one Scream Queen in this esteemed list; Danielle “FREAKIN” Harris! Multiple horror roles, with four of them in the Halloween franchise, one in Urban Legends (1998), Stake Land (2010), and taking over the lead role in the Hatchet series; D.Harris is my number one Scream Queen! Now what does that mean for her? Not a damn thing, as I have no clout or no strong ties with any awards academy or even with a publisher. I am solely bestowing the Extreme Queen of Scream to this pint-sized beauty with the wickedly-enticing smile.

In 1988, she began her role as Jamie Lloyd, daughter of Laurie Strode in Halloween 4: The Return of Michael Myers. Her acting ability and fear on screen had such conviction and power behind it that I honestly have not seen another child actor do what she did back then. She again returned to the role in 1989’s Halloween 5: The Revenge of Michael Myers, where she again out-acted everyone on screen…sorry Donald Pleasance; even you ol’ chap. Choosing not to return to the series for the next installment (plus they could not pay her enough); D.Harris did not return to the series until the reboot in 2007, Rob Zombie’s Halloween, where she began a new role as Annie Brackett (a character from the original 1978 film). Of course there is an obligatory tit-shot of the hot Miss. D.Harris; but her acting purely overshadows the brush with breasts. She had not lost a step in her acting abilities, especially in the horror sense. She followed that role in reprising it in the 2009 sequel, Halloween II and in 2010, she was brought on to replace the lead role of Marybeth Dunston in the movie, Hatchet II and in the 2013 sequel, Hatchet III.

With a few lesser known films, D.Harris starred in 2007’s Canadian horror, Left for Dead, 2008’s Blood Night: the Legend of Mary Hatchet, Godkiller (2010), Godkiller: Walk Among Us of the same year, Chrome Skull: Laid to Rest 2 (2011), Hallow’s Eve (2012), Dead.tv (2013), and upcoming in 2014, See No Evil 2 Night of the Living Dead: Origins: 3D, and Fear Clinic.

Need I say more about this talented…talented, actress and her Scream Queen resume? Hands down, D.Harris is the ultimate Scream Queen.

CREEPYPASTA FILES: 1 - THE BOGEYMAN

So what’s oddly terrifying about this villain is that we know not what it looks like, what it’s fully capable of or where the hell it comes from. The Bogeyman, Man from the Shadows, Bugbear, Coco/Cucuy or however you want to refer to it; is a ghostly, malevolent creature that virtually manifests itself physically in the form of however a child envisions it. In whole; the Bogeyman is the embodiment of terror and is pretty much scarier than any other villain in our files.

Generally speaking and from its appellation, we consider the Bogeyman to be a male; this is not true. The Bogeyman can be female, male or androgynous (you want androgynous; look up David Bowie from the Ziggy Stardust days or Marilyn Manson during his Mechanical Animals era). The M.O. of the Bogeyman, is to terrify and devour disobedient (and at time obedient) children. Its place of residence; the shadows, under the bed, in the closet, a dark basement and pretty much anywhere that looks rather creepy.

The Bogeyman has been depicted as another famous villain, Michael Myers from the Halloween-franchise, a pile of insects dressed in a sack in Tim Burton’s A Nightmare before Christmas, and as a shadowy figure with no visible bodily or facial features. 

So kiddies; bundle up under your blankets, tuck the sheets tight and keep that Spongebob night-light plugged in, for the Bogeyman may be near.

Broken Dream (performed by AITCH)

This is a song performed by a band I was affiliated with from 2006 until 2008. I played the bass, did background vocals, as well as fronting vocals for a few covers and originals. This song is called, Broken Dream, and I felt it worthy enough to be somewhat of a dark tune to play on the blog. Check it out.

Do You Remember?

The old Halloween shows and specials that would come on during October back in the day ("the day" meaning the early 90's, 80's and before my time, the 70's)? The classic fun-filled moderately corny Halloween themed episodes of your favorite sitcom or once a year cartoon special? Those were the damn days, right? The leaves all turned golden browns and various shades of red before waltzing down to the ground. Mom and dad would rake the crisp, warm toned leaves into a large pile, just so you could run, flail your arms and dive into the pile, burying yourself in that autumn-like smell of the cool outside air...yea, that shit never happened for me either. Plus, we always hired help to do all the yard work.

Do you remember the time when you would get home from school, do your homework or at least pretend to have most of it done, solely so you could plop in front of the TV and watch your spooky shows, decorate the house for the one time of year when it's "acceptable" to scare the holy terror out of people without getting a weird look? This article touches on those old shows and specials that makes you revert to that time when you had no cares in the world, a time when the worst thing you could get in your trick or treat bag or at school Halloween parties, were that sugary-demon of a sweet, Candy Corn. Let's take a trip down Memory Lane and reminisce about the shows that we all enjoyed one time or another.

1. The Halloween That Almost Wasn't (1979)

This was before my time, but I believe my parents actually had this on VHS (remember those?). It revolves around Dracula (Judd Hirsch) trying to save Halloween from the Witch (Mariette Hartley) who threatens it. It won an Emmy Award for "Outstanding Individual Achievement - Children's Program" and was nominated for three others. On VHS releases, it was retitled The Night Dracula Saved the World. My favorite part of the film is at the end when Dracula and the Witch end up doing some Saturday Night Fever bit, where they tear off their attire to reveal disco clothing and began dancing. Corny, but hey, it lasted in my mind for some unknown reason. Great Halloween flick for everyone.

2. The Witch's Night Out (1978)

The plot involves a witch who accompanies two children named Small and Tender with their babysitter (Bazooey) to a Halloween party and transforms them into a werewolf, Frankenstein's monster, and a ghost (previously their Halloween costumes). The witch takes them to the Halloween party-in-progress at her house. Other citizens of the town get offended. They try to catch these supernatural beings as a mob. The children and Bazooey spend the night as real eerie creatures but decide they need to become human beings again. A disco song entitled "Witch Magic" was sung in this film. One of my absolute favorites from my childhood. I may have to pop onto Amazon and purchase this gem.

3.  The Worst Witch (1986)

The film follows the plot of the 1974 book from the series, portraying the incidents of when young witch, Mildred Hubble (Fairuza Balk) turns herself invisible and transforms nemesis, Ethel into a pig, Miss Cackle's (Charlotte Rae) notorious twin sister Agatha (also, Charlotte Rae) plotting to take over the Academy, and the Grand Wizard (Tim Curry) viewing the Halloween Broomstick formation (sabotaged by Ethel's faulty broom which she lent to Mildred). It's an awesome story and surely a classic in any household.







4.  It's the Great Pumpkin Charlie Brown (1966)

How can anyone NOT remember this holiday classic?! Linus and his blue-blanket toting ass spending the night in the pumpkin patch awaiting the arrival of the never before seen, Great Pumpkin, with skeptical, yet smitten Sally in tow. The Red Baron (Snoopy's Halloween alter-ego) is introduced to television, Charlie Brown's block-head receiving a couple of rocks in his trick or treat bag, and Lucy being bitchy as always...this classic toon is by far my absolute favorite! It's just not Halloween,  unless I watch this special, plain and simple.









5.  Garfield's Halloween Adventure (1985)

I believe I still may have this on VHS somewhere in our storage facility. The songs that Garfield sings about pirates and changing costumes are priceless to say the least. Garfield awakens to Binky the Clown chattering about Halloween Night and how much candy kids will be able to get while dressing in costume. Garfield schemes to have Odie dress up as his dim-witted coutnerpart and First Mate (Odie the Stupid), while going around the neighborhood to collect booty (no, not ass, pirate's treasure...in the form of candy). The night turns a bit eerie when they travel across troubled waters to an old house and meet up with an old cantakerous man, whom indulges the reluctant two in a ghost story. This actually used to freak me out a bit when I was a kid. That old man was a bit on the "what the hell?" side, and those damn pirate ghosts...yea, it was a child's show, but for a 4 year old at the time, it was a little unsettling before bedtime. Great Halloween special!

6. Disney's Halloween Treat (1982)

This was a variety of clips from Disney movies that compiled all of the infamous villains at the time. It was hosted by Jonathan Winters, who doubled as a freaky-ass Jack-o-lantern and then by some puppet-pumpkin later on. Mad Madame Mim, Captain Hook, Maleficent, and many other fearsome-wrong doers of the Disney world. One of the most memorable clips of this 47-minute Halloween romp, is the Bald Mountain scene from Fantasia. Pretty intense for children and from the 1940's era. The skeleton dance scene at the opening of the show was oddly intriguing as well.

7. Bugs Bunny's Howl-Oween Special (1978)

The green-faced witch with the tiny, Sandpiper-legs and the bobby-pins that would be inexplicably left behind as she bolted off screen, the weird vampire character with a thick Romanian accent, the genius little rats that scared the beetle-juice out of Sylvester the Cat...these were all great characters and clips in this Looney Tunes special.

8. The Halloween Tree (1993)

Based on Ray Bradbury's 1972 fantasy novel of the same name. It tells the story of a group of trick-or-treating children who learn about the origins and influences of Halloween when one of their friends is spirited away by mysterious forces.

This cartoon is often featured on Cartoon Network during the Halloween season. It features the voice of Leonard Nimoy as the children's guide, Mr. Moundshroud. Ray Bradbury himself provided the voice of the Narrator, and won an Emmy Award for writing the special's screenplay. The film changes the novel's group of night travelers from eight boys to three boys and a girl. A longer limited edition "author's preferred text" of the novel was published in 2005, which included the screenplay.





9. Goosebumps: The Haunted Mask pt.I (1995)

You know, although this special came on the cusp of when I began to lean away from the childish types of shows, this one seemed to stick with me for a bit. Hot on the trails of R.L. Stine's scary-stories for children, Goosebumps series. It follows Carly Beth, a timid girl who buys a Halloween mask that would not come off. José Rivera wrote the TV special, and Timothy Bond served as director. The special starred Kathryn Long as Carly Beth, Kathryn Short as Sabrina, George Davis as Steve and Amos Crawley as ChuckThe concept of having a mask attach itself to you and building off of your emotions, was genius. The Austin American-Statesman described it as "a live-action dramatization that's scary enough to give kids the creeps but probably not scary enough to give them nightmares." True enough, no nightmares were had on my end; however, I was a bit weary with the lights off in either of the rooms I stayed in at our home back then.

10. It Came from Underneath the Bed (1991)

Keeping with the R.L. Stine bit here (he also created this muppet-like television show, Eureeka's Castle), the Nickelodeon show, Eureeka's Castle, aired a Halloween episode titled, "It Came from Underneath the Bed" (aka: Nightmare on Magellan Street). Undoubtedly, he would create a special that the show would have a pretty impressive Halloween episode. They managed to put together a Halloween feature that was perfect in every way. It wasn't too scary for the little kids, but it was terror-laden without losing any of that colorful delight we came to expect from Eureeka's Castle.



And there you have it; 10 of the best (well, mine at least) Halloween specials in the past 30 or so years. It almost seems as if they don't even try anymore to create classics or even cult-classics. Well, if those days are indeed behind us, at least we have these greats vaulted in our minds, and for some of us, on DVD or Blu Ray. Did I miss any specials? Let me know.

Texas Haunted Houses

Sure, we may be 4-months outside of October, but let's face it; being scared shitless is a year-long ordeal that many people take enjoyment in. So in the direct/indirect spirit of Halloween; I am going to run down a list of several noteworthy (NashWorthy) Texas Haunted Attractions.

Let's begin with The Nightmare on the Bayou, located on Studemont and I-10 in Houston, Texas. With the tagline, "Houston's ONLY Haunted House with REAL Ghosts" it would draw the attention of easily spooked kiddos. However, for those of us who know better, it's more of a thought, "Bull-shit". With that thought in mind, you decide to check it out to hopefully get your adrenaline pumping with a few good scares.

The LOWDOWN: As aspected, I saw no real ghosts (no shit, right?). The 15,000 sq. ft. place does however put your in the right frame of mind, as far as an eerie feeling goes. There is an oversized, half skull prop against the outside wall and an inflateable large pumpkin that can be seen from the I-10 freeway. They are located next to one of Houston's oldest (remaining) graveyards, which does add to the creepy-factor a bit. Attached to the haunted attraction is the main business of the haunt, which is a day-in and day-out party warehouse supply store; so they are never without nice props. Several nice animatronics, nothing to write home about, decent actors, but the parking lot is a massacre (no pun intended). On a Jumping Factor, I would rate this a 6 out of 10.
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Next we can slide on down the road to Heart Stopper Fright, located 25 miles outside of Houston. When you venture to their website, it may not seem like much, but these guys bring it. If you are completely done with kiddie-washed Goosebumps (no offense R.L. Stine), then move on up the ladder, rung by rung to a more cerebral assault. HSF is definitely good for having a girl cling on to you. Just make sure she doesn't soil herself. And guys, I know you get a little timid and pee-happy as well if you're scared enough; jsut don't do it in front of your girl.

The LOWDOWN: An unlucky 13-acres of fear awaits, as you make it through 3 areas of fright (The House of No Mercy, The Maze of Eyes, Teeth and Claws, and new for 2012, Woods of the Not So Dead). As the website boasts; this is a living, breathing monster that swallows hordes of guests, only to regurgitate them out as a shivering shell of their former selves. The actors are pretty damn good, and I don't recall seeing any animatronics; nevertheless, good scares. Oh, and where shoes for this one, because you WILL be running. Jump Factor: 7.5
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Moving along, we creep upon one of the best haunts in Houston, Phobia. Located off of Highway 290 between the Beltway and FM 1960 in the middle of a densely wooded area; this place automatically sets the mood once you drive over the dirt humps, listening to vile screams of enjoyment and terror; and that's just to reach the parking lot area. Chainsaws echo in the near distance, coupled by tempered screams and groans...oh the excitement of the scares! Just look at the little puppet-monkey character above with his dunce-cap on. Does that not throw a red flag up to you that something's not right with this place? It's like Billy the Puppet mated with Pee Wee Herman and farted out this little yellow-toothed thing.

The LOWDOWN: Not for little kids, by any means. This grand screampark has 8-different themed houses/attractions to wet your loins.
- Dawn of the Machine: Ultra modern industrial horror silhouetted by mechanical despair. Machines run our world, and it's high time we've realized that. But just where do the obselete apparatus' go to be forgotten? Well, this is the place. Welcome to the machine, human population...you.
- Claustrophobia: The floors twist and tilt in this 21st century breakdown. Watch your step as this multi level containerized nightmare is an amalgam of physical contradictions. Up is sideways, while down is a very long drop.
- Darke Institute: The lights are on, but screams are much louder in the Darke... A mental hospital loses control, as the patients are in charge and running the asylum.
- 3D Clown Phobia: 2 stories of insane clowns (not Violent J and Shaggy 2 Dope), and visually stimulating, yet seizure inducing imagery. This trippy clownhouse will have your colourphobia in full effect. If you hate clowns, stay the hell away!
-  Mania: In your face, manic colors! What goes up, may just be your lunch with this intense colorful experience. This is where clown rejects vomit techno-color rainbows in a dream-like stupor.
- The Simon Fowler Woods: Zombie infested woods....enough said, right!
- Darke World (You Are What You Eat): And everything is eating something, or someone in here. Welcome to the midnight-meat train bitches!
- Mind Control: This is more of just a waiting area...but trust me when I say, you will not be bored, nor standing still for too long.

I would call this Houston's Premiere Haunted Attraction, even better than the self-toted Houston premiere attraction, ScreamWorld. Various animatronics that are of high-quality, awesome sound, and damn good actors, particularly speaking of the greeters/walkers, the Jason Voorhees character, the little midget guy with the chainsaw running around, and those crazy-ass colorful clowns. So if you're in Houston, Texas for whatever reason at the end of September 'till end of October, this is definitely a haunt that you will want to check out. Jump Factor: 8
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Shifting gears outside of Houston to the Dallas/Fort Worth, Texas locale, and landing in the Guiness Book of World Records' rated: World's Largest Walkthrough Haunted House! Cutting Edge Haunted House.

From the website:

Located in a 100-year-old abandoned meat packing plant in a section of Fort Worth historically dubbed as "Hell's Half Acre," the Cutting Edge Haunted House is built upon a foundation of fear. The meat packing equipment from the Old West is still in use, however now it is a two-story human processing area. Bodies are hoisted up to the second level and brought throught the entire meat packing process untill the conveyor system brings the corpese back to the first level.Cutting Edge Haunted House offers a unqigue setting for thrill seekers searching for a high-quailty Haunted House. It takes visitors an average 55 minutes to explore Cutting Edge Haunted House. The new Guinness World Record holder is now officially recognized as the longest hauted house in the world. A Guinness World Records judge measured the distance of the horrifying haunted house from end to end and validated it as the longest Haunted House on record. Awards: Guinness World Record Holder " World Largest Walk Through Haunted House Fangoria-Top 7 Haunted House in America Haunted House Ratings- Voted top 3 Haunted House in America. 

I've yet to have the chance to check out this beautiful piece of macabre, but plan on doing so this year. From what I've heard and seen on video; this attraction is surely a main eventer!
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Just when you thought it couldn't get anymore off the chain; enter Austin, Texas' The House of Torment. Located in the Highland Mall parking lot; this spookfest is sure to give you a mind-freak. How can a single location give you such a fright-filled night? Well, take a look for yourself.

The LOWDOWN: Enter The Reckoning. Nemesis, Commander of the Soul Reapers watched the apocalypse consume the Earth from his starship, The Reckoning. Now, in the aftermath of world wide destruction The Reckoning has landed and Nemesis has begun to capture, torture, and clone survivors. The clones are fed to his Soul Reaper Army as waves of undead contest Nemesis for the last stock of living flesh. Will Nemesis and the Soul Reapers dominate the human race? Will the humans and their clones escape enslavement? Will the Zombie Hoard band together and take over the Earth? Find out by experiencing, The Reckoning, the next chapter in an epic apocalyptic saga at the nationally acclaimed House of Torment Haunted House! Or if it's scurvy 'yar be feelin'...walk the plank with the dead sea poltergiest, Captain Scoria, in Cursed! Ye be warned of great terror that lives on this Cursed island. Pure evil stalks the night like wind through tattered sails. Dark caverns and thick jungle be the least of your worries here. Blood thirsty savages, possessed pirates, and the foulest of the wicked call this place home. Don’t be tempted by the lure of its power, don’t be snared by the lust of its call. The ancient evil that dwells in the lost temple consumes all men that step foot in its halls. Experience sheer terror and dooming madness as you explore the depths of Cursed!

The Ancient Temple! The Fountain of Death! The Spike Pit! Attacking Savages! The Doomed Caves! The Haunted Jungle! The Pirate Ship! The Captains Chambers! Zombie Pirates! And more!

And how about this; after October ends, the fear lurks on with DARKSTALKERS! No path, total and complete darkness, and all you're armed with is one glowstick. Can you make your way out of this insane place of panic?

The makeup is great, actors are top-drawer, animatronics...absolutely magnificent, and atmosphere...well let's just say that they come bug the shit out of you even while you're in the Port-O-Pottie. Jump Factor: 9 out of 10.

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Austin's neighboring big city, San Antonio also has a bit to offer us fright fiends, in the form of the 2-story attraction, The 13th Floor Haunted House.

Straight from the horse's mouth:

This is not your run of the mill, jump out and go boo haunted house.  The 13th Floor is an intense, graphic, theatrical show that will take you on a gut wrenching ride of visceral thrills and psychological horror!
Two Haunted Houses at One Location for One Price!  Tickets include admission to both haunted houses, 13th Floor Haunted House and Unearthed!  You will descend to an entrance which has been "unearthed" into the basement of this 105 year old building and journey through this haunted house before entering the holding area to board the elevator to the 13th Floor!

The LOWDOWN (via the website):

In the early 1940’s the building that house the 13th Floor Haunted House operated briefly as a hotel for passengers travelling in and out of Sunset Station.  According to legend, a group of school children arrived at the station in route to their destination south of San Antonio.  The weather turned, and the bus driver who was to take them the rest of the way decided it would be best if they waited till morning to complete their journey.  The checked in to the hotel across the street, and turned in for the night.  The next morning, the rain had let up to a drizzle, the bus driver loaded the children and headed south.
Just south of town, on the same railroad tracks that brought the group of children to San Antonio, a train was moving swiftly down the tracks, when the engineer spied a school bus stalled along his path. Frantically he pulled his break and tugged on the train whistle, the huge engine quickly advanced toward the school bus, unable to stop in time. Ten children reportedly lost their lives that tragic day.  Legend has it that they continue to haunt the area, including the hotel where they spent their final night, protecting others from a similar fate.

Yet again, another haunted attraction that I should be visiting this coming Halloween season; hope to hear you scream there!
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Here are a few Texas honorable mentions that didn't quite make the list (these are ones that I HAVE in fact been to, so it's alright to toss my opinion around):

- The Haunt House (Caddo Mills, Texas)
- ScreamWorld (Houston, Texas)
- Fearshire Farms (Angleton, Texas)
- Terrorplex (Mansfield, Texas)