Texas Haunted Houses

Sure, we may be 4-months outside of October, but let's face it; being scared shitless is a year-long ordeal that many people take enjoyment in. So in the direct/indirect spirit of Halloween; I am going to run down a list of several noteworthy (NashWorthy) Texas Haunted Attractions.

Let's begin with The Nightmare on the Bayou, located on Studemont and I-10 in Houston, Texas. With the tagline, "Houston's ONLY Haunted House with REAL Ghosts" it would draw the attention of easily spooked kiddos. However, for those of us who know better, it's more of a thought, "Bull-shit". With that thought in mind, you decide to check it out to hopefully get your adrenaline pumping with a few good scares.

The LOWDOWN: As aspected, I saw no real ghosts (no shit, right?). The 15,000 sq. ft. place does however put your in the right frame of mind, as far as an eerie feeling goes. There is an oversized, half skull prop against the outside wall and an inflateable large pumpkin that can be seen from the I-10 freeway. They are located next to one of Houston's oldest (remaining) graveyards, which does add to the creepy-factor a bit. Attached to the haunted attraction is the main business of the haunt, which is a day-in and day-out party warehouse supply store; so they are never without nice props. Several nice animatronics, nothing to write home about, decent actors, but the parking lot is a massacre (no pun intended). On a Jumping Factor, I would rate this a 6 out of 10.
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Next we can slide on down the road to Heart Stopper Fright, located 25 miles outside of Houston. When you venture to their website, it may not seem like much, but these guys bring it. If you are completely done with kiddie-washed Goosebumps (no offense R.L. Stine), then move on up the ladder, rung by rung to a more cerebral assault. HSF is definitely good for having a girl cling on to you. Just make sure she doesn't soil herself. And guys, I know you get a little timid and pee-happy as well if you're scared enough; jsut don't do it in front of your girl.

The LOWDOWN: An unlucky 13-acres of fear awaits, as you make it through 3 areas of fright (The House of No Mercy, The Maze of Eyes, Teeth and Claws, and new for 2012, Woods of the Not So Dead). As the website boasts; this is a living, breathing monster that swallows hordes of guests, only to regurgitate them out as a shivering shell of their former selves. The actors are pretty damn good, and I don't recall seeing any animatronics; nevertheless, good scares. Oh, and where shoes for this one, because you WILL be running. Jump Factor: 7.5
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Moving along, we creep upon one of the best haunts in Houston, Phobia. Located off of Highway 290 between the Beltway and FM 1960 in the middle of a densely wooded area; this place automatically sets the mood once you drive over the dirt humps, listening to vile screams of enjoyment and terror; and that's just to reach the parking lot area. Chainsaws echo in the near distance, coupled by tempered screams and groans...oh the excitement of the scares! Just look at the little puppet-monkey character above with his dunce-cap on. Does that not throw a red flag up to you that something's not right with this place? It's like Billy the Puppet mated with Pee Wee Herman and farted out this little yellow-toothed thing.

The LOWDOWN: Not for little kids, by any means. This grand screampark has 8-different themed houses/attractions to wet your loins.
- Dawn of the Machine: Ultra modern industrial horror silhouetted by mechanical despair. Machines run our world, and it's high time we've realized that. But just where do the obselete apparatus' go to be forgotten? Well, this is the place. Welcome to the machine, human population...you.
- Claustrophobia: The floors twist and tilt in this 21st century breakdown. Watch your step as this multi level containerized nightmare is an amalgam of physical contradictions. Up is sideways, while down is a very long drop.
- Darke Institute: The lights are on, but screams are much louder in the Darke... A mental hospital loses control, as the patients are in charge and running the asylum.
- 3D Clown Phobia: 2 stories of insane clowns (not Violent J and Shaggy 2 Dope), and visually stimulating, yet seizure inducing imagery. This trippy clownhouse will have your colourphobia in full effect. If you hate clowns, stay the hell away!
-  Mania: In your face, manic colors! What goes up, may just be your lunch with this intense colorful experience. This is where clown rejects vomit techno-color rainbows in a dream-like stupor.
- The Simon Fowler Woods: Zombie infested woods....enough said, right!
- Darke World (You Are What You Eat): And everything is eating something, or someone in here. Welcome to the midnight-meat train bitches!
- Mind Control: This is more of just a waiting area...but trust me when I say, you will not be bored, nor standing still for too long.

I would call this Houston's Premiere Haunted Attraction, even better than the self-toted Houston premiere attraction, ScreamWorld. Various animatronics that are of high-quality, awesome sound, and damn good actors, particularly speaking of the greeters/walkers, the Jason Voorhees character, the little midget guy with the chainsaw running around, and those crazy-ass colorful clowns. So if you're in Houston, Texas for whatever reason at the end of September 'till end of October, this is definitely a haunt that you will want to check out. Jump Factor: 8
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Shifting gears outside of Houston to the Dallas/Fort Worth, Texas locale, and landing in the Guiness Book of World Records' rated: World's Largest Walkthrough Haunted House! Cutting Edge Haunted House.

From the website:

Located in a 100-year-old abandoned meat packing plant in a section of Fort Worth historically dubbed as "Hell's Half Acre," the Cutting Edge Haunted House is built upon a foundation of fear. The meat packing equipment from the Old West is still in use, however now it is a two-story human processing area. Bodies are hoisted up to the second level and brought throught the entire meat packing process untill the conveyor system brings the corpese back to the first level.Cutting Edge Haunted House offers a unqigue setting for thrill seekers searching for a high-quailty Haunted House. It takes visitors an average 55 minutes to explore Cutting Edge Haunted House. The new Guinness World Record holder is now officially recognized as the longest hauted house in the world. A Guinness World Records judge measured the distance of the horrifying haunted house from end to end and validated it as the longest Haunted House on record. Awards: Guinness World Record Holder " World Largest Walk Through Haunted House Fangoria-Top 7 Haunted House in America Haunted House Ratings- Voted top 3 Haunted House in America. 

I've yet to have the chance to check out this beautiful piece of macabre, but plan on doing so this year. From what I've heard and seen on video; this attraction is surely a main eventer!
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Just when you thought it couldn't get anymore off the chain; enter Austin, Texas' The House of Torment. Located in the Highland Mall parking lot; this spookfest is sure to give you a mind-freak. How can a single location give you such a fright-filled night? Well, take a look for yourself.

The LOWDOWN: Enter The Reckoning. Nemesis, Commander of the Soul Reapers watched the apocalypse consume the Earth from his starship, The Reckoning. Now, in the aftermath of world wide destruction The Reckoning has landed and Nemesis has begun to capture, torture, and clone survivors. The clones are fed to his Soul Reaper Army as waves of undead contest Nemesis for the last stock of living flesh. Will Nemesis and the Soul Reapers dominate the human race? Will the humans and their clones escape enslavement? Will the Zombie Hoard band together and take over the Earth? Find out by experiencing, The Reckoning, the next chapter in an epic apocalyptic saga at the nationally acclaimed House of Torment Haunted House! Or if it's scurvy 'yar be feelin'...walk the plank with the dead sea poltergiest, Captain Scoria, in Cursed! Ye be warned of great terror that lives on this Cursed island. Pure evil stalks the night like wind through tattered sails. Dark caverns and thick jungle be the least of your worries here. Blood thirsty savages, possessed pirates, and the foulest of the wicked call this place home. Don’t be tempted by the lure of its power, don’t be snared by the lust of its call. The ancient evil that dwells in the lost temple consumes all men that step foot in its halls. Experience sheer terror and dooming madness as you explore the depths of Cursed!

The Ancient Temple! The Fountain of Death! The Spike Pit! Attacking Savages! The Doomed Caves! The Haunted Jungle! The Pirate Ship! The Captains Chambers! Zombie Pirates! And more!

And how about this; after October ends, the fear lurks on with DARKSTALKERS! No path, total and complete darkness, and all you're armed with is one glowstick. Can you make your way out of this insane place of panic?

The makeup is great, actors are top-drawer, animatronics...absolutely magnificent, and atmosphere...well let's just say that they come bug the shit out of you even while you're in the Port-O-Pottie. Jump Factor: 9 out of 10.

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Austin's neighboring big city, San Antonio also has a bit to offer us fright fiends, in the form of the 2-story attraction, The 13th Floor Haunted House.

Straight from the horse's mouth:

This is not your run of the mill, jump out and go boo haunted house.  The 13th Floor is an intense, graphic, theatrical show that will take you on a gut wrenching ride of visceral thrills and psychological horror!
Two Haunted Houses at One Location for One Price!  Tickets include admission to both haunted houses, 13th Floor Haunted House and Unearthed!  You will descend to an entrance which has been "unearthed" into the basement of this 105 year old building and journey through this haunted house before entering the holding area to board the elevator to the 13th Floor!

The LOWDOWN (via the website):

In the early 1940’s the building that house the 13th Floor Haunted House operated briefly as a hotel for passengers travelling in and out of Sunset Station.  According to legend, a group of school children arrived at the station in route to their destination south of San Antonio.  The weather turned, and the bus driver who was to take them the rest of the way decided it would be best if they waited till morning to complete their journey.  The checked in to the hotel across the street, and turned in for the night.  The next morning, the rain had let up to a drizzle, the bus driver loaded the children and headed south.
Just south of town, on the same railroad tracks that brought the group of children to San Antonio, a train was moving swiftly down the tracks, when the engineer spied a school bus stalled along his path. Frantically he pulled his break and tugged on the train whistle, the huge engine quickly advanced toward the school bus, unable to stop in time. Ten children reportedly lost their lives that tragic day.  Legend has it that they continue to haunt the area, including the hotel where they spent their final night, protecting others from a similar fate.

Yet again, another haunted attraction that I should be visiting this coming Halloween season; hope to hear you scream there!
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Here are a few Texas honorable mentions that didn't quite make the list (these are ones that I HAVE in fact been to, so it's alright to toss my opinion around):

- The Haunt House (Caddo Mills, Texas)
- ScreamWorld (Houston, Texas)
- Fearshire Farms (Angleton, Texas)
- Terrorplex (Mansfield, Texas)