TOP 13 SCREAM QUEENS

13. Tiffany Shepis: Known for her humble beginnings in Troma Entertainment’s 1996 transgressive comedy-horror flick adaptation of William Shakespeare’s Romeo and Juliet…Tromeo and Juliet, has landed on my list as a Top 13 Scream Queen.

She’s been a victim in the 2002 Ted Bundy movie and has had several slightly less notable roles in films like Death Factory, Scarecrow, The Ghouls, Bloody Murder 2, Dorm of the Dead, Dark Reel, Zombies! Zombies! Zombies!, Godkiller: Walk Among Us, Night of the Demons, and with well-known adult film star, Belladonna in the 2010 B-movie, Stripped. With her list of movies, albeit B-flicks; and a strikingly attractive sex-appeal; Tiffany is a bonafide Scream Queen in my book any day of the week.

12. Ashley Laurence: The attractive brunette with the doughy-eyes and innocent flair made her horror movie debut in one of the more memorable horror movies of the 80s and overall in the horror genre; Clive Barker’s 1987 Hellraiser. She was the protagonist in the first film and gave us guys just another reason to keep watching (although I was only 6-years old at the time), aside from the fantastic gore-factor (for an 80s movie that is).

Ashley went on to reprise her role in the 1988 sequel, Hellbound: Hellraiser II, a small cameo in 1992’s Hellraiser III: Hell on Earth, and to round out her series appearance, 2002’s Hellraiser: Hellseeker. Prior to the last Hellraiser film Ashley acted in; she went on in the 90s to play in H.P. Lovecraft’s short story adaptation, Lurking Fear, playing a young woman seeking revenge for the murder of her sister and town doctor. Not only has this early Scream Queen appeared in several horror flicks; she has also had a part in the 2009 short film for a favorite band of mine, Slipknot’s music video, Snuff.

11. Linnea Quigley: Although grabbing her start in earlier B-movies such as 1975’s Psycho from Texas, and 1981’s Don’t Go Near the Park; Linnea made her most memorable marks in the early to mid 80s with castings in movies like, Silent Night Deadly Night, Return of the Living Dead (where she played the sexy, punk-zombie chick who strutted her glorious nakedness around the foggy graveyard and town.), Hollywood Chainsaw Hookers, Sorority Babes in the Slimeball Bowl-O-Rama, A Nightmare on Elm Street 4: The Dream Master, and Night of the Demons.

Quigley has been known to provide the nudity to give the B-movies a little something extra in the “happy-happy-funtime” category, as far as gratuitous boobage and slight cooter shots go! Check out more of Linnea and her Scream Queen assets in B-movie flicks like Night of the Demons, Girls Gone Dead, Stripperland, 1313: Cougar Cult, A Blood Story, The Voices From Beyond, Dead End, and Caesar and Otto’s Deadly Xmas.   

10. Shawnee Smith: Before she became known for her acting roles in the Saw franchise; Shawnee played a character named Meg Penny in 1988’s The Blob. But let’s hop back on over to what many of you know her as; Amanda Young in Saw, Saw II, Saw III, Saw IV, Saw V, and Saw 3D.

Her character in the franchise was pretty well thought out to begin with…then she just kinda got annoying; like a wiry, bubble-eyed Chihuahua that won’t stop yapping…but, what can I say? I like Shawnee, and I somehow liked her character. For good measure, we can go ahead and throw in the 2009 direct-to-DVD movie, The Grudge 3 in there, as well. Two movie franchises that have truly worn out their welcome…nevertheless, we love our number 10 Scream Queen, Shawnee Smith!

9. Neve Campbell: Ms. Campbell did not rank too incredibly high on this list, partially because she is a bit drab to watch on screen. Each horror movie and regular movie (and TV show) she’s played in; all of her characters are the exact same. Tell me that you didn’t think that was Sidney Prescott in Wild Things, or even her Party of Five character in The Craft…either way, it’s all the same character. Though for some strange reason, I had to place her on this list. It’s just something about Neve that I like.

In 1996’s The Craft, Neve played a practicing witch, in which I first found her to be hauntingly-attractive. Her part was not that grand, but it apparently made a statement to veteran horror director, Wes Craven, as he casted her as the leading role in the 1996, awesomely written teen horror/slasher, Scream and its lackluster three following sequels. As Sidney Prescott in each of the franchise’s flicks; she could definitely put up a damn good fight for any Scream Queen heroine!

It has got to my affinity for dark hair and the sad eyes…maybe that’s why I placed her on here. Ah well, it’ll come to me.

8. Jessica Timberlake: Let’s get this straight; the ONLY reason that Jessica ranks so low on this list; is because of her lack of horror movies that she has acted in. Otherwise…she would absolutely have a much higher ranking solely for her acting in 2003’s Texas Chainsaw Massacre remake…that and she is smoking hot.

Taking on a hulking-Leatherface is reason enough to place her on the list. Although she had to re-take her screaming parts over and over (because for some reason she is just not a screamer); Jessica played the role to a “T”. I promise I am not being biased just because she’s more than a little easy on the eyes. In 2004, Jessica played a vicious vampire hunter in Blade: Trinity. Again; sexy as all that is wicked and a killing machine this time; what more could you ask for? Well; how about more Jessica in another horror movie role?

7. Sheri Moon Zombie: Wife of rocker and horror movie director, Rob Zombie; Sheri has landed the number 7 spot here on the Scream Queen list. From various Rob Zombie music videos, to his directorial screen gems; Sheri has been a nice fixture in the horror scene for quite some time.

Her most notable role was as the sadistically-sexy vixen, Vera-Ellen “Baby” Firefly in Rob Zombie’s 2003 horror romp, The House of 1000 Corpses, and again reprising her role in the 2005 follow up, The Devil’s Rejects. Also by her husband, in 2007 she starred in the remake of the 1978 classic, Halloween as Michael Myers’ mother and again in the 2009 sequel, Halloween II. She has also done voiceover work in the animated horror flick (also directed by Rob Zombie), The Haunted World of El Superbeasto and another role directed by…duhn-duhn-duhhhhhn; Rob Zombie, in the 2012 movie, The Lords of Salem. Sheri can surely scream, and give one of the most maniacal-female laughs today. This earns her a spot in our countdown…and her undeniable sex appeal; a must for Scream Queens.   

6. Rhona Mitra: The original model for Laura Croft, before the beautiful Angelina Jolie starred in the motion pictures; this balanced and bodacious Brit took over the reigns from Kate Beckinsale for one Underworld movie in 2009’s Underworld: Rise of the Lycans, as she played Sonja, daughter to the vampire elder Viktor. Unfortunately; she died in the movie, which I suppose was expected, given the previous storylines; however I still had hopes that it would somehow find a loophole to keep her alive…alas.

Before she took on a vampire’s persona in 2009; Rhona starred in the 2006 horror-action film about werewolves, Skinwalkers. Not one of her greatest roles; but seeing as how she’s such a beautiful-little minx; we’ll let this one slide. In 2008, she also starred in the science-fiction thriller, Doomsday (which was made into a maze at Universal Studios’ Halloween Horror Nights), where she plays a cold military Major leading her team to find a cure for some wild-virus. Rhona makes it to the list because of palpable amazing looks, stunning accent and her kick-ass style of characters in the horror genre.

5. Heather Langenkamp: The year is 1984 and little did Heather know that she would be cast in a movie that would be helmed as one of the greatest horror franchises the world over; A Nightmare on Elm Street.

Now although the character of Nancy was to be the lead heroine and lead role opposite of the dream stalker, Freddy Krueger; Heather’s acting ability seemed to be left back at Stanford University where director Wes Craven found her. It was languid and dry as a cotton mouth after toking on a fatty. Yet, somehow the Nancy-character oozed her way into our hearts and her return in 1987’s A Nightmare on Elm Street III: Dream Warriors, actually brought a sense of nostalgia to a three-year old franchise. Granted when Freddy got his comeuppance and off’d her; many of you (including myself) cheered just a little bit. We see Heather’s face once more in the last real Nightmare film before a 16-year hiatus in the franchise, 1994’s Wes Craven’s New Nightmare where she plays her lackluster self, Heather Langenkamp in essence trapped inside of a real nightmare world.

Away from the nightmare, Heather also made appearances in Wes Craven’s 1989 horror movie, Shocker, and a 2010 documentary on Freddy Krueger labeled, Never Sleep Again: The Elm Street Legacy. Oddly enough, the 80s Scream Queen directed a biographical documentary entitled, I Am Nancy the same year. Way to cash in on the one hit-character Nance, but I ain’t mad at’cha; got nothin’ but love for ya.   

4. Kate Beckinsale: Kate has mostly played in vampiric type movies to start her Scream Queen essence. In 2003, she began the role of Selene in Underworld. A no nonsense vampire whom was in the line of stopping all Lycans. She played a total badass and not to mention an elite form of hotness in black, patent leather and fangs. In 2004 she followed this with a vampire hunter’s role in Van Helsing…to which she ends up dying at the end…(sigh) sad. In 2006 she reprised her vampire role in the sequel, Underworld: Evolution, then again in 2012 with Underworld: Awakening. A fem-pire (patent pending on that phrase) has never looked as stunning in fangs, as the lovely Kate Beckinsale. Get ready to check her out in the 2014 upcoming psychological thriller, Eliza Graves, where she is sure to be no less than spectacular in the titular character role.   

3. Milla Jovovich: Ukrainian born, leggy, blue-eyed beauty, Milla has had her fair share of horror movie run-ins. In 2002, she starred in the role of Alice in the popular video game-to-movie Resident Evil. Proven to be a very successful movie, although waned by critics and viewers alike (including me); it has spawned four sequels, to which Milla  has reprised her ass-kicking role in each of the following; Resident Evil: Apocalypse (2004), Resident Evil: Extinction (2007), Resident Evil: Afterlife (2010), and Resident Evil: Retribution (2012).

In 2009, she also starred in an alien encounters’ movie, The Fourth Kind , which truthfully could’ve stayed abducted somewhere. I love Milla, but that movie was horrendous. Luckily we’ve got a sixth installment of Resident Evil to look forward to in either 2014 or 2015. Sadly, it will be the last for Milla, as she has stated in interviews. Cheers to one of the most ass-kickingest Scream Queens ever!

2. Jamie Lee Curtis: Sometime labeled the “Original Scream Queen”; Jamie Lee’s mother, Janet Leigh could possibly be drafted as the “Original Scream Queen” from the 1960’s slasher film, Psycho. Jamie Lee was brought in to the horror scene during 1978’s classic horror slasher, Halloween. I truly believed her frightened emotions in some scenes of my favorite horror movie of all time; yet there were still those parts where you could see her hiding a snicker or two in frame.

Jamie Lee reprised her role of Laurie Strode in the 1981 sequel, Halloween II and returned to the franchise 17-years later in the 1998 installment, Halloween H20: 20 Years Later. She then came back for one last scream in 2002’s eighth chapter, Halloween: Resurrection, where Michael Myers ends up killing her. It was actually a bit sad the way that she went out…like a bitch. They could have at least sent her off like a champ, and at the end of the movie! Little known fact, giving credit where credit is due; J.L. had a voice role in 1982’s Halloween III: Season of the Witch.

Closing the chapter of the Halloween franchise; J.L. has also starred in horror romps such as 1980’s The Fog, and Prom Night, as well as Terror Train all within the same year. Now, I am assuming that she was given the moniker of “Original Scream Queen” due to the fact that she had produced a few movies within a short amount of time, and then acted in several movies laid out in a franchise; so we are just going to go with that knowledge of why she is such a Princess in the world of horror…but who steals the number one spot if it’s not Jamie Lee?

1. Danielle Harris: The number one Scream Queen in this esteemed list; Danielle “FREAKIN” Harris! Multiple horror roles, with four of them in the Halloween franchise, one in Urban Legends (1998), Stake Land (2010), and taking over the lead role in the Hatchet series; D.Harris is my number one Scream Queen! Now what does that mean for her? Not a damn thing, as I have no clout or no strong ties with any awards academy or even with a publisher. I am solely bestowing the Extreme Queen of Scream to this pint-sized beauty with the wickedly-enticing smile.

In 1988, she began her role as Jamie Lloyd, daughter of Laurie Strode in Halloween 4: The Return of Michael Myers. Her acting ability and fear on screen had such conviction and power behind it that I honestly have not seen another child actor do what she did back then. She again returned to the role in 1989’s Halloween 5: The Revenge of Michael Myers, where she again out-acted everyone on screen…sorry Donald Pleasance; even you ol’ chap. Choosing not to return to the series for the next installment (plus they could not pay her enough); D.Harris did not return to the series until the reboot in 2007, Rob Zombie’s Halloween, where she began a new role as Annie Brackett (a character from the original 1978 film). Of course there is an obligatory tit-shot of the hot Miss. D.Harris; but her acting purely overshadows the brush with breasts. She had not lost a step in her acting abilities, especially in the horror sense. She followed that role in reprising it in the 2009 sequel, Halloween II and in 2010, she was brought on to replace the lead role of Marybeth Dunston in the movie, Hatchet II and in the 2013 sequel, Hatchet III.

With a few lesser known films, D.Harris starred in 2007’s Canadian horror, Left for Dead, 2008’s Blood Night: the Legend of Mary Hatchet, Godkiller (2010), Godkiller: Walk Among Us of the same year, Chrome Skull: Laid to Rest 2 (2011), Hallow’s Eve (2012), Dead.tv (2013), and upcoming in 2014, See No Evil 2 Night of the Living Dead: Origins: 3D, and Fear Clinic.

Need I say more about this talented…talented, actress and her Scream Queen resume? Hands down, D.Harris is the ultimate Scream Queen.

What Scared Me as a Child...

DISCLAIMER: The following statements recorded in this article are of a less than preferable...vernacular-nature. Reader discretion is advised, but not prohibited. Enjoy.

I was a scary, timid child. Walking down the Horror Movie aisle in the video stores would have me damn near puddling on the floor. Swimming lessons...you could write that off. The clear water and being able to see directly to the bottom of this seemingly endless blue abyss of watery-terror was more than enough to have me seize on the floor. For the life of me, I could not understand why my mother continually brought me back to this place where kids are crying and splashing...pleading (if you will) for their moms and dads to get them out of the water; yet she would still usher me on in (in a total motherly way of course, nevertheless...I digress). Needless to say, swimming lessons were a hell that I never cared to travel with Dante to. 

But the very first real scare that I can recall as a kid (as if those weren't enough, yea?), was this one documentary/horror film called, Terror in the Aisles.

   For whatever reason; this movie petrified my shit. It was a 1984 documentary that's sole purpose was to fancy the viewer's fascination with horror. If anyone has seen this once "hard to find" movie of yesteryear; search no further, as it is now available on the Blu Ray edition of Halloween II. If anyone wants to be a doll and buy me a copy out of the kindness of their heart; that would be fucking awesome. If not, ah well, no skin off my balls. You see, these days we get watered down pieces of penguin shit with clip-shows like, 100 Scariest Moments...really? 100 SCARIEST Moments? The scariest moment about those shows is that the networks allow some of those comics that aren't even comical, try and have something semi-sarcastic-funny to say before each clip airs. I'm sorry, but I'm watching this special on scary clips, not some dry-humored jackoffs that can't hold a match light to some of these flicks.  

Now, this particular film would not even be considered terrifying this day, but for some reason it scared and warped my little, fragile mind. It was late one night and my parents had gone to bed. I had gotten up to get a drink of milk or something from the kitchen, then I decided to sit in the living room and watch a little television. Keep in mind, I was probably 4 or 5 at the time. So as I'm flipping through the channels, I land on either Cinemax or HBO, and I just freeze at the sight of (what I now know to be Michael Myers of the Halloween franchise) this freaky-ass looking boogeyman-dude, staring blankly at the screen (which I felt like he was looking at me) accompanied by that simple piano-riff that John Carpenter came up with, which is now synonymous with the Halloween holiday itself...and that scared me stiff! I sat there frozen in terror while viewing clips like Damien (the Omen franchise) watching as his Nanny dropped from a ledge and hung herself (fucking weird to see at that age...speaking of me, not Damien. He's the son of Satan, so I'm sure he's felt much more evil-ass feelings than that.), and the scene from The Thing, where that poor German Shepherd transforms into that grotesque spider-thing sprouting tentacle-like legs, and several other semi-scream worthy clips ranging from Alfred Hitchcock Presents..., the iconic 1970's classic Jaws, Scanners, Friday the 13th: Part 2, and a host of others. Again, totally not something that people would be peeking through their fingers for this day and age, but back then...to a 4 year old...the shit was terrifying. I do believe that this film was an actual turning point for me and my fascination with horror.

Anyway, BACK to the story; I was sitting up on the couch for what seemed an eternity of not being able to move from my spot. Luckily, I didn't pee-myself, but after an hour or so seated alone, late at night, plastered to the television screen, sans parental supervision; my face was riddled with salty tears surrying down my thin little cheeks. I must have made a whimper or something, because my mother came out of the master bedroom, noticed me and was like, "Brandon? What are you doing? What are you wathcing?!" she turned off the television, picked me up and brought me back upstairs to my bedroom. I don't remember much more after that, but I do know that she spanked me...I think. Ah well, I probably deserved it. Shouldn't have been up that late watching "trash" anyway...   

Up For a Scare? (The Places with Activity)

So you want a little excitement? Feel like testing the odds of what's real and what is simply your imagination? Or are you a skeptic and think that there is positively nothing at all in the form of paranormal activity going on out there? Well, here are a few places for you to go check out sometime. Be warned, some places are private property and some will even have patrolling fuzz around as well. Visit at your own discretion:

• Patterson Road (Houston, TX 77002) The STORY: Patterson Road (which is also dubbed Blue Light Cemetery) is located between Highway 6 and Eldridge in Houston. This place is rumored to be the site of a Civil War battle and the bridge closest to Eldridge is haunted. If you park in the center of the bridge and turn your car off there will begin to be tapping noises all over your car. They aren't just the sounds of your car settling. They are mostly on the sides and the back of the car. It is said to be the spirits of the soldiers who died. Be careful, this road is absolutely pitch black at night, however you can see cars coming from either direction at quite a distance. The LOWDOWN: The tapping noises on your vehicle IS just your vehicle settling after a while, no biggie. Now if you are bold enough to park your car at the graveyard (yes, the graveyard) along Highway 6 and Patterson, and walk all the way down to the first bridge in the darkness; that tends to get a bit eerie. (circa 2005) A friend of mine and I tested the waters just to check everything out. Sure there are animals and insects out there making some rainforest noises, but there was one distinct, inhuman laughter/cackle of a sound, and it was nothing like an animal sound either. Our cell phones stopped working (no coverage possibly due to a crappy area), and something was following us step by step in the water surrounding the bridge area. Every time we'd step, something in the water would as well. The faster we went, the faster it went (not an echo, as something was physically mocking our pace and splashing) until we booked it on out into a lit area. A couple of more trips were taken there, but nothing as strange as that. There are many stories surrounding this road and its surrounding area, why not check it out and see what you find?
• Spaghetti Warehouse (Downtown, Houston, TX) The STORY: Reports of salt and peppershakers being moved and even fully or disembodied apparitions, strange feelings of not being alone, & photos of orbs and mists throughout the building. The LOWDOWN: Completely bogus. Unless you are somehow trapped inside this restaurant overnight or even work the late, late shift here; there's really no way that any true investigations can be held, certainly not during work hours. I've been here several times, and believe me, it was not for the food. I wanted to experience any type of ghostly activity, but I received was nice service, crying babies, and loud as lunch time chats. Anyone have anything interesting from this location?
• Oil Field Road (Sugar Land, TX 77479) The STORY: No real back story that I have been able to locate. The LOWDOWN: This was a road that my friends and I would frequent while growing up in Sugar Land. We would all hop in a couple of pickup trucks and SUVs, head down the dimly lit road engulfed by trees and sparse homes on open land, and even turn the headlights out and walk around. (circa 1998-2001) It truly is a pretty freaky area at night in almost total darkness. Watchout for tresspassing on private property, as some land owners DO have shotguns and are not afraid to scare off "intruders". There was one cul-de-sac that had a lone soda machine directly in the middle of it. No matter how many times we would drive around the soda machine, be fore we made a complete circle, this "ghost dog" of sorts would materialize out of what seemed like nowhere and begin to chase our vehicle! We dubbed it the "Ghost Dog" due to its manifested arrival, a long chain that was broken at the tail end, and the speed of this animal as it chased us down the road and seemingly vanished under the street lights. Now I realize how ridiculous this may sound, a ghost dog, and a haunted soda machine, yet this honestly happened. We even took a camera out one night while it was my shift to ride in the back of one of the pickups with some of the others. As we made our round of the soda machine, sure enough, El Perro de Phantasmo appeared and we took off! As I was snapping shots on the windup disposable camera, we hit a curb and it knocked the damn thing out of my hands onto the road. Never did recover the camera, or all of the good photos from other haunted travels around the suburb. We went back the next day (in the daylight) to see if the camera was there, but of course, it was gone. Now also close to Oil Field Road, was another long barren road that housed a small, small white chapel-like church, which after one night we dubbed it, "The Devil's Church". It was a Friday the 13th (at night of course), and we were doing our normal excursion of driving around before hitting up a party, when we decided to stop at the chapel. We pulled up in front and decided to check out the bare grounds around the small facility. Hardly any vehicles pass by, so we were destined to find "something" unusual. Walking around the back, we noticed the church was decaying/burned along the bottom and up the side. I took pictures and then took pictures of some of my buddies acting sophomoric as usual. There was some weird noise, that we heard, so we began to slowly walk around back to the front towards our SUV. One of the guys in the group decides to stay behind and walk up the steps of the chapel, as we populated the SUV. We whispered out to him to get his ass in with us, but that fell upon deaf ears. He made lewd gestures as he was on the front steps, then he stopped. He ran back to us and said that he heard chanting going on inside. Not believing him, the guys jumped out to go investigate, as the girls stayed in with the motor running. Indeed, there was some odd chanting sounds coming from inside the chapel. Just then, a light popped on in the window overhead, and the girls who could see it clearly, screamed for all of us to run back. Well when someone screams loudly at night in an already tense situation, you don't ask questions, you just run! So we did! As we were running back, the girls began to put the SUV in motion and drive off without us! They finally stopped once they realized what they were doing as we were yelling at them from a small distance, then we finally sped off as we noticed more lights illuminating the inside of the church. "What the hell did y'all drive off for?!" one of the guys frantically asked while gasping. I chimed in, "Seriously, that was some bullshit! You know the black guy is always the first to die in a situation like that!" They said that they saw a figure rise up in the window above us as the light turned on. The freaky part is, the window was a good 8 to 9 feet above us, so either someone had a ladder inside there, or there was some real freaky shit going on. We decided to ditch the party and head back to one of our friends' parents' homes. As we relaxed a bit and talked about what happened, there was a knock at the front door, and we all froze. It was like someone had skipped a record during an awkward moment. One of the guys went to the door to find that no one was there, but there was a note on the door reading "Happy Friday the 13th, we can knock too." We thought it was some of the stupid-ass neighboring kids jacking our chains, but the guy that first stayed behind to go check out the front porch of the church was pretty bothered by the note. Come to find out, he told us that while he was up there before we (the other guys) walked up; he knocked on the front door and said, "Hello? Happy Friday the 13th bitches!" 'Till this day, it could have very well been a nice prank played on us all, but thinking back on it, there was really no way that anyone of us could've placed that note on the door, seeing as how no one had left our site upon entering the house. The next day, I went to Walgreens to have the film developed, and to mine and everyone else's amazement, the back of the church in the photos was no longer burned or decaying. It was as if nothing had even touched the back and the sides.
• The Von Minden Hotel (Schulenburg, TX) The STORY: Many ghosts are said to inhabit this 1927 hotel in this small (almost forgotten Texas town). If you would like to read of the various ghosts that inhabit this quaint hotel, click here. The LOWDOWN: (circa 2002-2004) Six of us took a trip out to Schulenberg (on the first trip) and it was like no other. Cell phone service went down, the small, dank, 4-story hotel was like something out of a 1930's country setting-like thriller, as we were the only occupants staying that night aside from the staff, which consisted of Garrett (owner at the time) and the lady who ran the adjacent Pizza Kitchen.We had originally read the stories of a haunted hotel from the local Houston Chronicle periodical and decided to check it out. Jumping straight to the incidents; we first made it upstairs to the 2nd floor to our rooms and decided to celebrate and chill with a bit of weed to break the tension of the long trip. Leaving the door open to the hallway, we didn't realize just how much we had smogged out the room and the hallway as well. Garrett enters the room, scaring the hell out of us and says, "Now I hope you guys have enough of this Scooby Doo mystery smoke to party with me also?" We laughed a chuckle of relief and let him hit as well.He indulged us in various stories of the hotel and its history of activity. The he took us around to several rooms. There was one room on the 4th floor where the numbers had been switched around, and we were told by Garrett about the occurrences of the room: "A gentleman hanged himself in the room, for reasons unknown. He didn't leave a suicide note, but the hotel help entered through the transom to notice him hanging by an extension cord from the ceiling fan..." He also informed us that people have a tendency to feel faint and shortness of breath while staying in the room overnight. A friend of mine and I decided to scope this out. Garrett led us up stairs to the humidly thick aired hallway and smack dab in front of the room, no.33. He asked us if we were sure we wanted to go in and investigate, to which we replied, "Hell yea dude." He walked down the hall to grab the key from the holder, and one of the guys and I tried to sneak a quick peek first:

After retrieving the key and letting us in, Garrett told us to close the door behind us, as he and the girls and our other friend stayed in the hallway. We looked around the room and it looked just like the other old fashioned rooms; nothing had been updated in decades, outdated drapery, rickety wood flooring, footed tub in the lavatory...but then we noticed a silhouette along the walk. Not just any silhouette; it was in the form of a medium sized man, hanging by a noose-like deal from the fan above us. The freaky thing was is that the image was swaying slightly back and forth. Now either that was a very elaborate illusion that Garrett had created, or that room was fairly active! It was very cold upon walking in there, and the small a/c unit was not capable of creating such a frigid temperature. We left out of the room and journeyed around the rest of the hotel. Later on after leaving the parking lot from getting more sustenance from one of our vehicles, one of the girls came back in the room to tell us that something was following her up the first set of stairs. he guys and I went out to see what was going on, but saw nothing. She told us that she could hear footsteps following her as she walked. We tried to debunk it as just old stairs creaking and shrinking, but we tested the theory and came up stumped. Something was definitely screwing with us coming up and going down the steps at different walkthroughs. Different visions (possibly our minds playing tricks on us) materialized before our eyes down certain hallways, and surely it wasn't the weed we had been rocking earlier that night; nevertheless, it was an interesting trip to say the least. The subsequent trips are absolutely something to discuss, but those will be saved for a separate article. One last instance that was a bit odd, was the cemetery located a block down from the hotel and symposium itself. The grave was full of infant-graves...that was really creepy.



   

Texas Haunted Houses

Sure, we may be 4-months outside of October, but let's face it; being scared shitless is a year-long ordeal that many people take enjoyment in. So in the direct/indirect spirit of Halloween; I am going to run down a list of several noteworthy (NashWorthy) Texas Haunted Attractions.

Let's begin with The Nightmare on the Bayou, located on Studemont and I-10 in Houston, Texas. With the tagline, "Houston's ONLY Haunted House with REAL Ghosts" it would draw the attention of easily spooked kiddos. However, for those of us who know better, it's more of a thought, "Bull-shit". With that thought in mind, you decide to check it out to hopefully get your adrenaline pumping with a few good scares.

The LOWDOWN: As aspected, I saw no real ghosts (no shit, right?). The 15,000 sq. ft. place does however put your in the right frame of mind, as far as an eerie feeling goes. There is an oversized, half skull prop against the outside wall and an inflateable large pumpkin that can be seen from the I-10 freeway. They are located next to one of Houston's oldest (remaining) graveyards, which does add to the creepy-factor a bit. Attached to the haunted attraction is the main business of the haunt, which is a day-in and day-out party warehouse supply store; so they are never without nice props. Several nice animatronics, nothing to write home about, decent actors, but the parking lot is a massacre (no pun intended). On a Jumping Factor, I would rate this a 6 out of 10.
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Next we can slide on down the road to Heart Stopper Fright, located 25 miles outside of Houston. When you venture to their website, it may not seem like much, but these guys bring it. If you are completely done with kiddie-washed Goosebumps (no offense R.L. Stine), then move on up the ladder, rung by rung to a more cerebral assault. HSF is definitely good for having a girl cling on to you. Just make sure she doesn't soil herself. And guys, I know you get a little timid and pee-happy as well if you're scared enough; jsut don't do it in front of your girl.

The LOWDOWN: An unlucky 13-acres of fear awaits, as you make it through 3 areas of fright (The House of No Mercy, The Maze of Eyes, Teeth and Claws, and new for 2012, Woods of the Not So Dead). As the website boasts; this is a living, breathing monster that swallows hordes of guests, only to regurgitate them out as a shivering shell of their former selves. The actors are pretty damn good, and I don't recall seeing any animatronics; nevertheless, good scares. Oh, and where shoes for this one, because you WILL be running. Jump Factor: 7.5
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Moving along, we creep upon one of the best haunts in Houston, Phobia. Located off of Highway 290 between the Beltway and FM 1960 in the middle of a densely wooded area; this place automatically sets the mood once you drive over the dirt humps, listening to vile screams of enjoyment and terror; and that's just to reach the parking lot area. Chainsaws echo in the near distance, coupled by tempered screams and groans...oh the excitement of the scares! Just look at the little puppet-monkey character above with his dunce-cap on. Does that not throw a red flag up to you that something's not right with this place? It's like Billy the Puppet mated with Pee Wee Herman and farted out this little yellow-toothed thing.

The LOWDOWN: Not for little kids, by any means. This grand screampark has 8-different themed houses/attractions to wet your loins.
- Dawn of the Machine: Ultra modern industrial horror silhouetted by mechanical despair. Machines run our world, and it's high time we've realized that. But just where do the obselete apparatus' go to be forgotten? Well, this is the place. Welcome to the machine, human population...you.
- Claustrophobia: The floors twist and tilt in this 21st century breakdown. Watch your step as this multi level containerized nightmare is an amalgam of physical contradictions. Up is sideways, while down is a very long drop.
- Darke Institute: The lights are on, but screams are much louder in the Darke... A mental hospital loses control, as the patients are in charge and running the asylum.
- 3D Clown Phobia: 2 stories of insane clowns (not Violent J and Shaggy 2 Dope), and visually stimulating, yet seizure inducing imagery. This trippy clownhouse will have your colourphobia in full effect. If you hate clowns, stay the hell away!
-  Mania: In your face, manic colors! What goes up, may just be your lunch with this intense colorful experience. This is where clown rejects vomit techno-color rainbows in a dream-like stupor.
- The Simon Fowler Woods: Zombie infested woods....enough said, right!
- Darke World (You Are What You Eat): And everything is eating something, or someone in here. Welcome to the midnight-meat train bitches!
- Mind Control: This is more of just a waiting area...but trust me when I say, you will not be bored, nor standing still for too long.

I would call this Houston's Premiere Haunted Attraction, even better than the self-toted Houston premiere attraction, ScreamWorld. Various animatronics that are of high-quality, awesome sound, and damn good actors, particularly speaking of the greeters/walkers, the Jason Voorhees character, the little midget guy with the chainsaw running around, and those crazy-ass colorful clowns. So if you're in Houston, Texas for whatever reason at the end of September 'till end of October, this is definitely a haunt that you will want to check out. Jump Factor: 8
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Shifting gears outside of Houston to the Dallas/Fort Worth, Texas locale, and landing in the Guiness Book of World Records' rated: World's Largest Walkthrough Haunted House! Cutting Edge Haunted House.

From the website:

Located in a 100-year-old abandoned meat packing plant in a section of Fort Worth historically dubbed as "Hell's Half Acre," the Cutting Edge Haunted House is built upon a foundation of fear. The meat packing equipment from the Old West is still in use, however now it is a two-story human processing area. Bodies are hoisted up to the second level and brought throught the entire meat packing process untill the conveyor system brings the corpese back to the first level.Cutting Edge Haunted House offers a unqigue setting for thrill seekers searching for a high-quailty Haunted House. It takes visitors an average 55 minutes to explore Cutting Edge Haunted House. The new Guinness World Record holder is now officially recognized as the longest hauted house in the world. A Guinness World Records judge measured the distance of the horrifying haunted house from end to end and validated it as the longest Haunted House on record. Awards: Guinness World Record Holder " World Largest Walk Through Haunted House Fangoria-Top 7 Haunted House in America Haunted House Ratings- Voted top 3 Haunted House in America. 

I've yet to have the chance to check out this beautiful piece of macabre, but plan on doing so this year. From what I've heard and seen on video; this attraction is surely a main eventer!
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Just when you thought it couldn't get anymore off the chain; enter Austin, Texas' The House of Torment. Located in the Highland Mall parking lot; this spookfest is sure to give you a mind-freak. How can a single location give you such a fright-filled night? Well, take a look for yourself.

The LOWDOWN: Enter The Reckoning. Nemesis, Commander of the Soul Reapers watched the apocalypse consume the Earth from his starship, The Reckoning. Now, in the aftermath of world wide destruction The Reckoning has landed and Nemesis has begun to capture, torture, and clone survivors. The clones are fed to his Soul Reaper Army as waves of undead contest Nemesis for the last stock of living flesh. Will Nemesis and the Soul Reapers dominate the human race? Will the humans and their clones escape enslavement? Will the Zombie Hoard band together and take over the Earth? Find out by experiencing, The Reckoning, the next chapter in an epic apocalyptic saga at the nationally acclaimed House of Torment Haunted House! Or if it's scurvy 'yar be feelin'...walk the plank with the dead sea poltergiest, Captain Scoria, in Cursed! Ye be warned of great terror that lives on this Cursed island. Pure evil stalks the night like wind through tattered sails. Dark caverns and thick jungle be the least of your worries here. Blood thirsty savages, possessed pirates, and the foulest of the wicked call this place home. Don’t be tempted by the lure of its power, don’t be snared by the lust of its call. The ancient evil that dwells in the lost temple consumes all men that step foot in its halls. Experience sheer terror and dooming madness as you explore the depths of Cursed!

The Ancient Temple! The Fountain of Death! The Spike Pit! Attacking Savages! The Doomed Caves! The Haunted Jungle! The Pirate Ship! The Captains Chambers! Zombie Pirates! And more!

And how about this; after October ends, the fear lurks on with DARKSTALKERS! No path, total and complete darkness, and all you're armed with is one glowstick. Can you make your way out of this insane place of panic?

The makeup is great, actors are top-drawer, animatronics...absolutely magnificent, and atmosphere...well let's just say that they come bug the shit out of you even while you're in the Port-O-Pottie. Jump Factor: 9 out of 10.

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Austin's neighboring big city, San Antonio also has a bit to offer us fright fiends, in the form of the 2-story attraction, The 13th Floor Haunted House.

Straight from the horse's mouth:

This is not your run of the mill, jump out and go boo haunted house.  The 13th Floor is an intense, graphic, theatrical show that will take you on a gut wrenching ride of visceral thrills and psychological horror!
Two Haunted Houses at One Location for One Price!  Tickets include admission to both haunted houses, 13th Floor Haunted House and Unearthed!  You will descend to an entrance which has been "unearthed" into the basement of this 105 year old building and journey through this haunted house before entering the holding area to board the elevator to the 13th Floor!

The LOWDOWN (via the website):

In the early 1940’s the building that house the 13th Floor Haunted House operated briefly as a hotel for passengers travelling in and out of Sunset Station.  According to legend, a group of school children arrived at the station in route to their destination south of San Antonio.  The weather turned, and the bus driver who was to take them the rest of the way decided it would be best if they waited till morning to complete their journey.  The checked in to the hotel across the street, and turned in for the night.  The next morning, the rain had let up to a drizzle, the bus driver loaded the children and headed south.
Just south of town, on the same railroad tracks that brought the group of children to San Antonio, a train was moving swiftly down the tracks, when the engineer spied a school bus stalled along his path. Frantically he pulled his break and tugged on the train whistle, the huge engine quickly advanced toward the school bus, unable to stop in time. Ten children reportedly lost their lives that tragic day.  Legend has it that they continue to haunt the area, including the hotel where they spent their final night, protecting others from a similar fate.

Yet again, another haunted attraction that I should be visiting this coming Halloween season; hope to hear you scream there!
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Here are a few Texas honorable mentions that didn't quite make the list (these are ones that I HAVE in fact been to, so it's alright to toss my opinion around):

- The Haunt House (Caddo Mills, Texas)
- ScreamWorld (Houston, Texas)
- Fearshire Farms (Angleton, Texas)
- Terrorplex (Mansfield, Texas)